pronounsany
255written posts
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I'm going to change, one step at a time, even if you won't forgive me
I mean explained like that makes a lot more sense. I use the word 'muse' not because it's a popular word - although that did encourage me to actually broadcast my use of it - but more so because of what the Greek Muses are. They preside over the arts and science - and for centuries since, artists have used 'muse' to describe their inspiration, their will to create. So to me, using muse is saying 'my will to create, my desire to write, my inspiration to make this story'. And muse is important to me. I'm a primarily emotion person - I derive enjoyment, emotional closeness and fulfillment from writing. So of course I wouldn't want to write if, when I'm done, I'll feel less then nothing. That's not fun. And I live for the fun in writing - so why would I force myself when I know I won't enjoy it? That's like buying yourself a treat even though you want to throw up. You won't get to appreciate it, so why do it? This is a hobby, not a job. So why force myself to write when I won't enjoy the end result, and every time I come back to it, I just feel ashamed and uncomfortable and just want to leave? That's what muse means to me. I hope that clarifies a little - or at least makes it a little more relatable. The reason I don't like the "muse" thing is because it feels and looks like "blaming" something else? "Sorry, I didn't write the post 'cos I didn't feel it." vs "Sorry, I couldn't write the post 'cos my muse left." The latter feels like you're... I dunno, like the writing isn't yours so you can't be blamed for not posting? Like no one can be blamed and it's an inevitability of nature. Like it stifles personal growth. "I can't figure out how to go from here," is an invitation to help out and a clear diagnosis of why you're stuck on writing. "My muse isn't there right now," is just... what am I supposed to do? Wait for it? Do you want help? "No, my muse is gone." Can I do anyth-- "No. Muse." Someone who says the problem is between keyboard and chair at least seems open to help, but someone who claims the problem originates from the whims of heavenly forces just seems harder to offer help to. Kind of like that, for me. I also find it unrelateable because I do freelance and personal writing and I enjoy doing it. Obviously I don't write when I don't feel it (and for the past few months, I haven't -- redacted), but it just feels strange to me to use "muse" as an explanation instead of just saying I'm tired or not in the mood. That's understandable, not everyone is as mythically or metaphor inclined as I am. I tend to think in patterns and designs, in metaphors and associated word games - so like I said, muse to me is more then just a 'heavenly' thing. on some level, people need to be more upfront, I agree - but that' easier said then done for those with anxiety. you and murdoc seem the type of people that don't have too much anxiety in expressing yourself ( not saying you don't have anxiety, it's more so that you don't need to think in metaphors to avoid crushing yourself in a wave of toxic emotions like I do ) which is probably why it doesn't mean much to you. personally, I've been berated in various ways for years for showing any type of vulnerability, so I've learned to try and be abstract, so that people can catch on, but explicitly saying it puts a burden on people. they feel responsible and if they can't help - which, oftentimes they just can't since it's not something you can logic or plot away, it's emotional and deep and visceral and you can't just turn on a happy switch when you're depressed - and that brings them down. and in between my guilt complex ( which I'll blame myself for bringing that person down and just bring myself further down ) and my insecurity ( of course I'm not good enough to help, I'm worthless as it is, why can't I be normal? ) and couple that with my anxiety ( is this going to break my friendship? It probably already has I'm too much of a pressure on anyone ) and you've got a literal cocktail of emotional fuckery on my part. if it's inferred, people don't feel the need to help. they just smile and nod and let it go and that avoids the whole issue. of course, becoming aware of why I use the word in the first, what it means to me, can be steps to try and resolve that gap. also, surprisingly enough considering the north american culture, I feel guilty being selfish, since it basically means I'm disregarding the collective. also I am wordy today holy carp.
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