On the 25th of September, a journey of 69 miles began. Spanning across continents and reaching the far corners of the galaxy, I, member 2535 tanz of Pixel Perfect, also known as The PP Boards, asked an important question: how do we enjoy our buttcheeks passively held? I asked many people on the way who had the experience and wisdom to provide me an answer that would change my lief forever. Already, the first answer I hear is not what I expected.
"
herman miller."
Two simple words spoken with passion and faith, as expected of the King of Knights. As a big fan of Artoria Pendragon, I know her immediate reaction was made with a strong belief. Herman Miller must be a knight she would entrust her life and people to. Her buttcheeks to. I'm sure it is with pride and honour that Herman Miller was protecting the king's rear from their enemies.
On my way past a taco bell, a tri-colored hair frog leaps at me. It was the Pharaoh. To think they've already heard of my quest this soon! I was honestly floored (not chair to support me.)
"Still lamenting my wonderful padded, incredibly soft moon chair that was broken when my sister tried to sit it in... with a whole other adult human person, snapping one of the legs. 😞 Many all-nighters spent in that chair watching Batman: The Animated Series. I haven't been able to afford a moon chair since, much less one of that nice of quality. Good luck on your journey to 69~!"
So that's how they turned into a frog on the floor. No chair?
"Please admire the Eames lounge chair," says a stranger with a flower on their head, shoving to me a picture of a chair that can hold double the quantity of buttcheeks. "There are so many reasons why this design was revolutionary and an icon of modern design."
I nod at their jpeg. What gacha game did they get this from?
A familiar cat strolls toward me. "riley (pokemon) is an aura guardian from sinnoh who lived on iron island for an indiscriminate amount of time and the impending loneliness caused him to forget how to be sociable and he refuses to get another pokemon other than his lucario to talk to because of the crushing pressure of what being an aura guardian entails in the end but it also means he's extremely lonely and very much pines for the friends that he does have in steven stone and wallace from hoenn and ---- oh wait you already know this xoxoxox i misread."
No, I get it. It's how chairs are a symbol of unsung heroes, faceless, hard-working and dedicated nakamas. In Riley's case, he has one friend for each buttcheek-
"i just like a chair with a nice pillow."
Well then, why did you make me say something weird?
I have a catpal show me another jpeg.
"'ll be sitting here."
I squint at their chairkun. "What are those balls? Why are they there? Is it comfortable for your hands to wrap around those balls? How does having balls help you sit better?"
I have a lot of questions.
Just then, a powerful storm brews. My eyes struggle to open, but I can hear their voice booming across the sky.
"my current gamer chair my brother gave me is shot. so now i need a new one. unfortunately, i'll be stuck with a simple metal chair with a cushion. but my ideal chair is a good and sturdy office chair."
A metal chair? Is their chair a 🗿 emoji?
The types of people I meet becomes more varied by every <69 steps.
"anything but the godforsaken kitchen chair im currently on rn"
Some are unhappy with their current bottom-carrier.
"idk if i even have an ideal chair, but my current one for my desk is a comfy rocking chair. works well for me since sometimes my legs get that jittery kinda feeling and i can just kick off with them when that happens."
Some are practical, unafraid to discard those that they have no use of.
"no chair, only couch or bed."
And some have become ascetics.
As I go further, I meet more people who are unafraid to reject the social norms. I suspect this may have to do with the current economy.
"who needs chairs when you can sit on tables and desks amirite."
It's starting to get to me. More and more people I talk to aren't interested in chairs at all. I had to take a step back. I was putting my journey of 69 miles in jeopardy but any more, then the unpleasant tingles on my behind will cause me to collapse.
My decision to pay attention to my tush pays off. I come across people who have many dreams left for their lower buns.
"my ideal chair was this super plush corduroy lazy boy recliner my mom had as a kid. she sat in that thing near all day. i get why."
Nostalgia. Yes, even our ancestors before us have chosen something to maintain the fatty clumps that got Jealous Girlfriend's partner turning.
"my ideal chair is my current chair in it's prime days.
when it didn't feel like sitting on a top and leaning one way will force it to entirely LURCH that way
so probably big enough to sit cross legged in and preferably with a footrest."
A footrest? Something for the legs to be comfortable in, too? I see. A hybrid. A union of parts, a peaceful, thriving co-existence.
I return to my motel, a patch of green grass between two capitalistic establishments. The chaotic chair-rejecter from earlier happens to come by and have seen that my journey of 69 miles is about to reach its end through the backside.
"what will you do once you've hit the fated number?"
I cannot come up with an answer. As it turns out, sitting on the ground isn't very comfortable. I leave without answering and return to wherever the long pair under my hindquarters take me to.
I don't know where I'm going. The faces and chairs I've met flash through my mind.
Pepperoni pizza pie
A flavor I just can't get right
The shop is only half alive
Without you baking by my sideOne thing is certain. We wouldn't be where we are now without chairs, because where we are are where chairs are to go where we would. To stand is to live. But to sit is to breathe. What is living without breathing?
Pepperoni pizza pie
A flavor I won't taste tonight
We didn't see much eye-to-eye
But I didn't think that you would lie
That you would lie
Oh, where'd you go bro?
Don't be f*ckin' shyI find myself at the comfort of my home. Of course, this is where I would end up in. It's the only address I know where I won't be sued for trespassing. I relax. I don't have to have all the answers right now. All I want is to sit down...
We had the people eat a thousand pizzas
And melted all their hearts
But after all the sauces and exotic toppings
Still, none of them reached your stars
But in my sky are all your pies
Bro, don't you see?
I believe in the you that believes in cheese
'Cause a pizza you still lives inside of me I find myself taking in a deep breath. And out... My mind feels a bit clearer now. The peace is none like any other I've felt. I feel comfortable. Secured. No one to judge me, no one to tell me what is truly right from wrong. Huh? Has it always been like this? Isn't this where I usually go when I need to think? When I feel the need to let it all out?
It's been here all along. My chair. My totemo tomodachi.
Special thanks to my patreon subscribers for making this happen...
@amethy
pharaoh leap Asu hanny ace. tenebrae vvvaporwaves 𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚒 Neko CEL porsef Sola CEL Ending theme by sagapov "Pizza Brothers"
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