<sup>Confession of Depression.

I want to make my own site again. But, I have so much anxiety to do so. I'm an obnoxiously sensitive person (something I hate) and so when bad things happen or things are disappointing, they tend to haunt me for a long time. There are just so many situations I wish I could go back and do better to change the outcome. Especially if they've resulted in the loss of a rp friendship. I miss a lot of connections I made and I crave making a place that welcomes all walks of roleplaying from new writers to old writers.

But, it's just this, messed up want to please everyone, which is monumentally impossible, there are so many landmines to avoid with people because everyone has different rules and views on what they want from a site, and I just feel fretful to try and fix and fix. But no matter what I do, someone gets hurt, someone leaves, someone is lost. And it just really gets to me.

So yeah, long rambling short. I have such a passion and craving to make a site, but in the end, I can't because I'm too bogged down by my own insecurities or whatever. And in the end it just leaves me with a feeling of depression. 

I wish there was a pill to eradicate sensitivity so I could function more like a regular person. To the people who I've upset in the past, I'm sorry. I'll always be sorry and I hope one day we can meet again, so that I can do better.</sup>

Yes please x1000. I've always wanted this ever since panfandoms came out, I thought that concept could so easily be used for OC's returning from all their dead sites/worlds.

What an irritating thing to go through. My sister loves reading, she has like 100 books, lol. I'd be furious if someone laughed at her for liking to read. Wish I could have been there to give them some sass. 

You do realize that the entirety of proboards was run by 9 people, just 9. Not 100, not 10k, nine dedicated people filled with passion and love for their platform. They've been working on version six for years now, and were really excited only to as you say get bought out and now a project they have been working so hard on is magically off the table permanently, when it was so close to release.

I don't believe at all that it's not about making money. I'm not blaming the 9 dedicated people. I'm blaming the massive company who bought them and pulled the plug on something that they had poured their hearts into. For, and I quote, it not making money, because money is the only thing big companies care about.

Not only that but v6 is canceled and the 'big' company also discontinued any updates at all for v5. It honestly seems like to me that this big company bought them and is intending to make money off of them and offer 0% support in return. PB won't survive just sitting in limbo forever.

I just think PB didn't realize what they were getting into, they thought like many small companies do, that bigger companies means solid salaries and more funding for their projects. Only for them to realize, that the only thing this company is interested in is squeezing every penny out of them until there's nothing left and then closing the project. But we'll see what happens in the future. I want to be wrong because I love proboards, but history rarely deviates.

Edit: I don't want to fight so I'm not going to reply anymore.

I get your concern about overhauls. But I don't see this as a good thing at all. I see it entirely as the reality of proboards recently being bought out. They were so close to done, and now the entire project has been scrapped, for no doubt making 'money' rather then improving the platform. I dread the future of proboards. No good has ever come from small passionate companies being absorbed into massive drone companies.

I'm drawing again, I feel so inspired lately. It's really rewarding to do free art for people's original characters, their reactions when they see my finished product makes me feel so happy. ♥

Can't do the roleplay site like I wanted, but I've got a bit of a plan to get back into roleplaying. It's called story-based roleplay (made it up myself LOL, the name I mean), where I draft a story, events, some of my characters, npcs etc, like a game, and get one person to put their character into the story as the main character, and from there based on their actions throughout the story events, they can get different endings. I guess it's similar to DnD campaign? But not as technical with a bunch of stats to memorize etc. I've got two drafts currently a zombie apocalyptic setting, and a demonic underworld storyline. I'm making a survey for people to fill out and from there I plan to pick someone. I hope it's an enjoyable experience. ♥

I believe I've said this before. I don't like dark skins, they make me really depressed and feel claustrophobic. So, if I can avoid them I will, but I have joined sites with dark skins before. I just try not to stay on them too long or those feelings crop up. I don't know if anyone else experiences those feelings. I don't really understand them myself. :<

Hmm...actually maybe I do. Where I live, we have lots of snow which makes the world seem very light and white, like a light skin, but in winter we lose the sun really fast, like by 3pm it's pitch black outside until the next day at around 11am type of thing.

So I guess, because of where I live in the world I equate light skins to something too look forward to, where as dark skins remind me of the depressing endless nights we experience 8-9 months where I live. Ha, who knew mystery solved for me. LOL sorry for hijacking this thread with my random deep thoughts of the day.

I think I might start working on a new site. I was talking with a long time friend of mine, and she was reminiscing of her childhood with roleplaying. It was really cute and just wholesome, and then I met some other people on book writing site, and they had no idea of roleplaying was. It just made me want to make a site and be a small stepping stone for a world of wonder that is to me and always will be roleplaying. ~♥

I don't know if I have the time and energy for it. But for now I'm fantasizing.

This is STUNNING Ztyl, only you can bring me out of my hiding with your G.O.R.G.E.O.U.S talents!!! It's so pretty though, like the colors, the white and blue go wonderful together. ♥♥♥♥

#triggered Just remembered a situation where I got upset with a potential friend, did something childish, owned up to it by being honest with them/apologizing and was essentially given the middle finger up in return. Honesty folks, it doesn't pay to have it that's for sure.

My father was mugged today. Two guys approached him in the parking lot at night outside of a store. They told him to hand it over, sounded tired, like they've done it many times, he thought they were joking until a third guy came up behind him. And then they sprayed him in the eyes with bear spray and robbed him. Few bruises, some scratches. But mostly a scar on his mental well being. He went home, rinsed as much as he could then had to go back to work.

He doesn't live nearby so I can't help him. I feel, numb about it. I guess because there is no justice to be found... It got me thinking about deeper things, like how I've always turned to roleplaying to fix things broken in the world. I like to write realistically to get as close to real life as possible, but with a different outcome. The bad guy gets caught, the bully stopped, the ones suffering get saved. I also think that's why I get so irritated when I see drugs, killing, robbing, all of that played off so casually and uncaringly in writing or worse, like it's something 'cool'.

Anyways, I'm a weird mood today and so here are my thoughts. June has been...an awful month to say the least.

What does everyone think about proboards introducing in V6 paid plugins? Think we'll get some high quality ones because money is involved now? Or that old ones will just be converted over and now be behind a paywall?