I have had so many computer issues over the last few months... I suspect I have to replace my laptop... I should have suspected it would happen in the middle of a pandemic. >.>

Also, with this pandemic, I swear, my nose has tickled more to cause me to sneeze and I have accidentally choked more times than I have any other time. I have probably scared my coworkers more times than I can count because of accidentally inhaling the seasoning on my extreme cheddar goldfish.

One of my favourite things is watching as role-players say "OH NO!" cause they are replying and realized their character is about to do something stupid. I think it is hilarious. XD

i'm kind of wanting to finish pokemon colosseum while i'm self-isolating (i never had it as a kid and i got distracted the last time i tried to play through on the rom) but i also kind of don't because knowing me, my brain will hyperfixate on wes for my next "seven evil exes of rp hyperfixations" and i don't need that kind of disappointment in my life :c

revamping old codes is super fun. I get to be proud of how much progress I've made over the years, and ask my self wtf I was thinking when I made them.

havin one of those days where i know i'm worth it, deep in the recesses of my mind.
but the louder, more overpowering part of said mind has been shouting obscenities and nonsense my way, and makin me feel like the smallest ant in the world. the one that can't hold double it's weight and holds everyone back.

so i've been watchin some feel good youtube, listening to the magnus archives, and occasionally playing around in animal crossing to make myself feel better.

"oh no i ship it" i whisper as i repeatedly slam together two characters who have 5 minutes of interaction and maybe 10 lines to each other tops and aggressively ignore all of the more feasible ships that most people are here for

if i'm being perfectly honest i really haven't felt wanted or even liked by my friends lately, save for one. no one has been talking to me, or has been talking around me, the actions of one friend caused me to suffer a severe breakdown earlier this week to a point where i was literally scared of myself and what i might do as a reaction to my emotions, and it really just feels like everyone's trying to avoid me or leave me out of things on purpose as some form of punishment. logically? i know that isn't true. i know it's all in my head. but that's the problem. my head isn't something i can escape from. and couple that with the fact that all week i've been off work due to ongoing world events and all i've had is time time time to ruminate and doubt and slip deeper into self-loathing.

i'm reaching a point where i don't feel heard and i don't feel acknowledged. i know i'm going to split again. and my brain is telling me to just ruin everything i've got before that happens so that i can't be hurt again in the future when the people who claim to 'care' about me abandon me.