here's a raw confession:
I'm low-key embarrassed by how much staffing affects me emotionally. Not to say that I'm in tears or rocking in the fetal position, but not satisfying every single person on the forum makes me feel like such a failure. And I know it's impossible. But those moments really sit with me. And at the end of the day, I know I'm a good guy. I know I try to do what's best for everyone. But it still actually affects my mood IRL and I guess it's just really an embarrassing moment when I'm like . . . a hobby of running communities for writing pretend characters in a pretend land that I don't get paid for is really making me feel not good enough as a person. That's wild to me, and I wish I had the nonchalance many others do.
hi. another admin here, and i wanted to say that… yeah, i empathize with that so much, especially with what you said about failure. there’s a long amount of context that lead to me ending up as the admin of the site i’m on, and have been running for three years, but it rlly made me want to just Do Things Right(TM), especially for its community and the site at large, and consistently worried that if i messed up somewhere; that if the site died due to the wrong thing (i.e. toxicity, drama, simply quietly fizzling out) — i was failing a lot of people, including myself. and that was something i refused to let happen. it unfortunately lead to me making a lot of wrong decisions out of the concern that if i let [xyz] explode, or said something about [zyx], or w/e else — it would cause some kind of colossal Thing(TM) that would completely fuck up the site and put many members of the community in the crossfire of something that isn’t theirs to deal with in the first place. (looking back at those choices, i know i could have made better ones, but i know my truth and reasons for making those choices, and i can accept that. the only thing to rlly do now is move forward.)
that consistent worry impacted my mental health a lot, more than i’m proud to admit, and hilariously more than the amount of straight up traumatizing rl bullshit i had to deal with at the same time. hell, it also nearly made me cry when i finished the 4.2 genshin impact archon quest because furina’s narrative just hit,,,, way too real to me LOL. regardless, all of this is just meant to say that you’re not alone in feeling that kind of way? i don’t think it’s embarrassing to have a hobby you poured a lot into (and i’ve been in your sites; i know you’ve poured a lot into them) impact how you feel emotionally. it’s being a person, and that’s hella real.
buuuut i also think that, at least based on personal experience, being Witness(TM) to a lot of shit when it comes to ppl and their worries getting the best of them, and especially made more clear after getting therapy bc of site bullshit LOL, sometimes the only thing that can be done is to look at yourself and your feelings, practice some kind tough love, and own up to the shit you deserve and don’t deserve. are you happy with the work you’re making? are you proud of it? if the answer is in any way, a no, then it’s worth a shot to figure out what will make things work — talk to the people around you, build a compromise, and just let people know that you also need some help, support, or w/e else. i think a lot of people have a tendency to forget, especially in an online space, that whoever is wearing the admin hat is a very real person just as well, who has their own personal feelings to trudge through, and ultimately are doing what they can while knowing what they do impacts a huge amount of people. lean on your support circles, own up to who you are, what you value, what you deserve, where you can do better — both to yourself and to the people around you, and i think that’ll go a long way.
