aliastanzaku, tanz, tan-tan, egao, protag, chapel, tbotc
pronounsshe/her
1,559written posts
offlinecurrently
maybe wallace being my fav was foreshadowing
ever since i lost a major presence in my life and abandoned by people who i thought knew me, i've never felt sad about losing friends anymore. there was that talk about rp friends and online friends used to be my social life. i always looked forward to talking to them, meeting wit them. i experienced all sorts of emotions bc of them. i made such great friends who were rp friends even after that but i've also decided to cut off from them. it wasn't anything explosive or hurtful anymore, though something did happen that made me decide it wasn't worth it. i'm still very much grateful for them and i still like them as people. but i don't miss them. i'm just not sad. i am so indifferent. i do have suspicions that i acted as rational as i can bc of my long trauma of losing relationships when i get emotional. so i just left before it went there.
i'm not lonely. i really am so much happier about myself. i don't know exactly what it means yet. it can mean many things. is it good? bad? who knows
but i am thinking about it bc i feel bad for the person who i was. sometimes i cry not bc of what i am feeling abt those times, but bc i feel like that person really was abandoned and left behind. even me. i feel like she died bc no one could accept her, and i was the person who finally ended her. i had to be someone else that the world can accept
SO THAT'S MY NEW INSPIRATION ON THE NOVEL I WAS WORKING ON BEFORE MY OTHER DOG DIED DURING COVID!!! and also it's 530 am man i CAN EE THE SUNRISE YEEPEEE!!!
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